I love to workout and I do it almost daily.  I enjoy the burn and the sweat (I’m crazy I know).  I don’t always want to go but once I’m there I go for at least an hour and more if I have the time.  It’s just a huge stress relief for me and I like the way my body is stronger and healthier.

But some days I just can’t go.  I get to busy or I don’t have the energy or I am too sore from the previous workout.  Whatever the excuse, sometimes I just can’t go to the gym or go for a run.  It’s fine, I’m human, I need the rest occassionally.  So why do I feel guilty when I don’t get a workout in?  I’m not talking just a little guilt, I’m talking extreme guilt that makes me want to go even if I can’t, push harder the next day or just be really upset at myself because “I’m lazy.” 

In theory I know I’m not, I’m not lazy if I’m busting my butt at the gym most days even with my crazy busy schedule.  But there is something perfectionistic about me that says I should be perfect about getting to the gym.  I have a membership I should use it.  God healed my back and I should workout to prevent reinjuring it.  I don’t want to go back to my 260+ pound self that was unhappy and unhealthy.  None of these things are going to happen because I miss one workout.  Heck they didn’t happen when I was recovering from my surgery and couldn’t do more than walk from my bed to the couch.

I need to love myself for what I can do and not be bothered with what I can’t.  I really don’t like this perfectionistic part of me but in a way it keeps me pushing because otherwise I think I would sit back and take a lot more lazy days and a lot less at the gym days no matter how good it makes me feel.  But guilt is not a good thing.  I need to fix this.

I love fudge…so chocolatey and velvety and just melts in my mouth.  But that’s not the fudge I’m talking about.  I read something recently that really got me thinking.  How often do I fudge my points for Weight Watchers just so that I can have more to play with.  I saw a gain last saturday and I had to sit and think about why?  I was exercising more and eating a bit more to help my body be willing to let go of those last few pounds.  So why the gain?

Perhaps it is because I’m not counting my points accurately.  I will eat some almond butter (the homemade kind) and only count it as a teaspoon when I’ve probably eaten 2 or 3.  Or I’ll eat and extra serving of dinner but only count it as one or one and a half instead of two.  I add extra honey and yogurt to my oats some mornings but don’t count them. Or eat extra hummus and count it as one when I know that it’s more like 3 or 4. 

Each of these little instance isn’t bad because I always have extra points left over at the end of the week but they can add up quickly if I do them all.  It’s like eating an extra 10-15 points a week.  That can mean the difference between a loss and a gain or a big loss and a little loss.

So this week I’ve decided to be honest with myself and my points.  Why I lie I don’t know.  It’s only me and my tracker that know and my tracker’s not telling.  I’m only hurting my ultimate goal.  If want to eat it I just need to own it instead of fudging and then being mad when I don’t see the loss I want on the scale.  I went back to Saturday (when my points reset) and owned up to all the little extras I could remember.  Those peanut butter chips I ate when passing the kitchen, the extra almond butter that I ate (and loved every bite), the extra pasta salad at dinner that I ate straight from the bowl.  Over all I need to be honest with myself so that I can accurately count what I’m doing and move on from here.

We’ll see what the scale says this week but I already feel better about being honest instead of being sneaky.  What good was it doing me anyway?