I hold it together.  I look happy, well adjusted and positive.  At least that’s how I hope I come across.

And honestly I believe myself at times.  Then I realize I’ve learned to fake it.  We all want to fit in and be normal so I’ve learned to fake it for self preservation. 

My job – literally and figuratively – is comforting others. I’m supposed to fix things.  It’s what I do and what I’m good at…except when it comes to me.

Instead I avoid all pain and emotions, run away, hide and talk to everyone about how they feel.  Providing support is easier than asking for it.  Asking requires using words not in my personal vocabulary.  Asking requires being vulnerable instead of strong.  Asking requires opening up a place of deep anxiety.

Fitbloggin’ this past week was a time of many things and you can read recaps here.  For me Fitbloggin was all these things but more importantly it was a time to focus on self-acceptance the the emotions of losing large amounts of weight.  In the last 6 years I’ve pushed these emotions aside.

During both sessions I bit my fist, sat back and refused to say anything…listen with comforting ears…until compelled to speak.  I don’t know why I did or what words came out of my mouth (they’re recorded in the live blogs) and then I promptly sat down.  I shook my legs and bit my fist again to calm down resuming my role in comforting and supporting others by listening.  That is a role I’m comfortable with…not speaking about my own issues.

Before this weekend I was sure I had a handle all this and had accepted myself.  I had come to terms with losing over 100 pounds and being a new me on the inside and out.  But sitting and listening to the group share their stories showed me the opposite.  It dug up all the gritty emotions I buried years ago.  I’m saying and doing the right things but do not know if that’s truly me…who am I and why do I think feel great in a situation but hate myself after.  In sixteen years of therapy I learned the right answers to self-acceptance instead of truly believing it.

I retreated, squashed and beat down the emotions, pain and self-hatred because Cynthia is a happy person.  Cynthia needs to be a happy person for work and for life.  But Cynthia isn’t authentic unless she’s working on herself and the emotions buried underneath.

Pretending to be something provides smiles and conversation in public and sobs alone.  What’s wrong here?!  When surrounded by people who care and support you why do you run away?  Why did I run away from the most supportive group of people who would have been there for ME?  I’m not my job…I’m not the Bipolar anxiety girl…I’m me.  Emotions can’t be hidden all the time as much as I try.  I ran from each chance to share my pain and be supported, instead providing the support.

So now it’s all unearthed after 14 years of being buried.  In one amazing weekend, all the emotions are open and ready to start healing.  It’s going to be a process.  Probably a messy process I should have dealt when long ago.  But now it’s out there.  Seeing I’m not alone, I need to see myself differently, and working on it all is the only way to improve is where to begin.  I have good support and I’m opening up and saying

ME…I need support too.  I don’t know where I am right now, but I know I need to go forward.