How Do I See Myself?

Just from a place of honesty I’ve been hating on my body lately.  More specifically I’ve been hating on my stomach.  I jokingly refer to it as my butt stomach because of the shape the scar from my back surgery makes.

My butt stomach.

I hate that I’ve worked so hard to lose the weight and maintain it through healthy eating and fitness and I will constantly have this reminder in my face.  I don’t mind the scar because it shows that I’ve overcome my back problems but I hate the sagging especially since I can feel the muscles underneath that I work out alot.  No matter how much I work on my stomach it will always jiggle like Santa with a bowl full of jelly.  Sure I wear a back brace to help with my back but it also prevents this really uncomfortable feeling of running without it (which I can do for short distances) where my stomach bounces up and down.  Thank God for my brace in many ways so that I don’t go nuts with the bouncing and pain.

My stomach isn’t the only part I don’t like lately.  I don’t like how my chest looks deflated after being a full 40DDD to a limp 36C.  Lots of extra skin.  And my arms and thighs and hips.  It all just looks like a deflated balloon from all the years of abuse I caused my body and the skin has lost its elasticity.  I hid it well under clothes but I know that it’s there and it’s a constant reminder of the abuse I put my body through with years of yo-yo dieting.

I’ve actually looked into possibly seeing a surgeon to have some of the skin taken off.  But 1. It’s too expensive….2. the time off needed to recover is not possible… and 3.  I would have to lose my great tattoos if they were to do a tummy tuck.  So I’m stuck.  I’m stuck with the reminder and having to wear only a certain style of clothes to mask all the damage I’ve done.  I’m stuck at this weight but looking like I’m bigger than I am because you can only smoosh so much skin into your jeans.  I guess I’m just not comfortable in my skin yet.

I’m writing this to remind myself that hitting goal didn’t mean my body issues went away.  It didn’t mean that I suddenly look in the mirror and see a supermodel or one of VH1′s top hot bodies.  Even at a smaller size my insecurities are still there and now I have to learn to handle them in a different package.  I have to learn to appreciate and accept that I did this to myself and even though I worked hard to correct the outlying problem I can’t turn back the clock to before I gained the weight.  I have to learn that I’m who I am and that I need to love my body the way it is even with the lumps.  So here’s my honest next step to adjusting to the new me.

How do you handle your changing body?

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